Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
