Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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