textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
