my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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