This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is this the sara with the beer cane?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
