2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
