i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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