I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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