Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
