Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
