Non-Jews are for practice
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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