I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
All I want is dick and wine.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
