just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Houston, we have a squirter
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Randomize
