We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
