you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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