At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
