the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
