Umm I'm too high to move.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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