I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Let's get the cat blown out
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
