My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
