New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
