I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
