he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
