I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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