Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
