Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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