If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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