this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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