i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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