also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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