Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
