Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
