her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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