the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
