If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
