I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
