splinters make it hard to masturbate
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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