I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
