No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
