I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Girls should come with a carfax report
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
