Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
how do flat chested girls get laid?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
