Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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