I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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