I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
