buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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