you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
