I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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