Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
