the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
