so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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